Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the genie. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. F*ck this, shouted Anto as he ran out of the room. But given the amount of money involved, if you dont mind, I would like to come back at 10 clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.. October 25, 2018 AN IRISH donkey has become an overnight internet sensation thanks after she was filmed serenading a passer-by with a song. Half an hour later Paddy We highlight the most inspiring experiences Ireland has to offer. Sure youre on the other side, replied the second., Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean, Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!. Debra! Bray Watch! If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" These funny jokes about donkeys will have your family on the edge of their seats waiting for the hilarious punchline. No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. Theres a second door that goes into the closet. They worked up along one street and then down the other. Ah here, you drank those very quickly said the barman. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, Oh, its probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 oclock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland. Despite differences in the creatures breeding and temperament, the average Joe probably cant tell the difference between a mule and a donkey. Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed. Anto and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. Ill bet any man in Hes a leprechaun. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while breaking wind? Kidadl has a number of affiliate partners that we work with including Amazon. . The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. He was known as "Humanity Dick", a nickname bestowed on him by King George IV. You have subscribed to: Remember that you can always manage your preferences or unsubscribe through the link at the foot of each newsletter. Well, most of it! Why are donkeys, monkeys and turkeys similar? back to drinking beer. The president was happy to oblige. No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. The old donkey stood there quietly contemplating for a moment Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? I havent been feeling myself lately, Sheamus replied. The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. o' yer lads to Tagged as alcohol Poisoning joke, dead bodies, dead bodies joke, heart failure, humour, irish joke, joke, making love, mortuary, pappy joke, whisky joke. downtown" "Are you here by yourself?" "Oh no, i'm not here by. [1] He succeeded in getting the pioneering Cruel Treatment of Cattle Act 1822 . Did you hear about the Irish man who crashed his helicopter? The preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. Are you going to shear those sheep. They can often be found mooching around their local castle, museum or gallery. What a funny joke, Human! . Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. 10 Intermission (2003) Buena Vist International. says Paddy, whats the story with the poor misfortunate nun outside? What does a donkey do when you tell him a joke? After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. Theres probably a handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too. I said, what instructions, Paddy? Score: 3. It wasnt that great, he said. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely? No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. Whats the story? Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamuss face. 5 yrs. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway, He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling, F**k that, I cant breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! Please tell me it was quick? He hears a priest come in. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .., Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork.. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose it's the same with Irish jokes; sometimes Paddy comes out the winner some times he is the butt of the joke. Cant just take your word for it. Because the chicken was on holiday! A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100 . "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband's best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep. ". pint, then silently stands up, walks to the door, opens it and leaves. How on earth can the news get any worse. Anything you like, he cant hear you! The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Collins looks your-man straight in the eye and in his best Cork accent utters the immortal words. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'. He invited her to sit down. It was, replied the friend. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. Thats an on-the-spot 60 euro fine. Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet? The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. As an Amazon Associate, Kidadl earns from qualifying purchases. He moves closer about 20 feet. I can't take your order, that's not my stable! Well, replied the doctor, You only have 3 days to live. Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. What do you call a donkey with a doctorate? Still no response. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, A 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother. Surely you must lose every now and then? They didnt do it last year.. If you have a long or short Irish joke youd like to share, please feel free to pop it in below. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'. What do you call an Irishman with a drink in each hand? cop and what they do with it then? he asks. Some jokes can be so bad that theyre actually good. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinsons or Alzheimers? - Irish donkey. replies the doc.. but feck-it, it sure cured her hiccups.. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Rick-O-Shea. Stanton told ABC News he was shocked to hear her sing. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping. What did the donkey do when he saw a bad driver? Is there something the matter? Bristling with annoyance, Miss OLeary replies. The Wonky Donkey - Scottish laughing Grandma! This does not influence our choices. Did you not have anything in A week later the lad comes back. Take your axe and go cut it down.. Show more Show more Top 10 Brutal Frankie. Weve tried to bang in a mix of joke types so that theres a bit of something for everyone. I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me only 5.00 then you ask me one, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you 500.00, he says. Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. Kidadl is independent and to make our service free to you the reader we are supported by advertising. Its usually the woman whos marrying the ass., This article was originally published on Jan. 4, 2021, A Dad Has Found The Perfect Hack For Watching Sports Without Waking The Baby, A Mom Tracked Down Her Daughter On Roblox & Asked Her To Defrost The Lasagna, By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. "I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Mick, from Dublin, appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros. To be honest, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The best donkey jokes ever! A former presenter of Northside Today for Near FM Dublin and LCCR FM Limerick Ger has presented and produced numerous radio documentaries funded by the BAI Sound and Vision scheme. Leprechauns dont. one after the other straight down the hatch answers the Yank. WELL spotted Craige! I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. Anyone using the information provided by Kidadl does so at their own risk and we can not accept liability if things go wrong. Ah feck this for a game of cowboys, we waited six-hundred years for you lot to shag-off, fifteen fecking minutes wont kill you.. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. I have also just published 5 fresh new Irish jokes here. Ah Shur, I had to tell He climbed out 4 times to take a piss.. Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. I'll give 500 American dollars to anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.". After a while the seed started to grow more and more. Tom: I lost my donkey. and no kids. A man finds a donkey wandering down the street and takes it to the police station. Finnegan is drunk as usual. The other lad filling them in. The Smart Bettor. "Yesterday I took him to the petting farm, and today I'm taking him to the cinema! All I had in me hand was his wifes left boob and while its Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Youre nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore The man sighs and says, Its started . Sure youre on the other side, replied the second. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. Taking a stupid bet like that. And hes careful. What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called. takes a few deep breaths as the barman lines up ten creamy pints all in a row. "Ain't no use in knocking," Finnegan yells back. Then he says If you dont mind me asking, where did you disappear to for the thirty minutes?, Well, Sir tis like this. I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. Struggling in school, Patrick only felt truly accepted in the presence of these funny, fuzzy, touching animals. Donkeys come from two donkey parents. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. in traffic on the Long Mile Road but he reckoned that with a bit of luck he The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. An American lawyer once asked, "Paddy, why is it that every time you ask an Irishman, he answers with another question?". cleared at Paddy put the peddle to the metal and was barrelling down the race track which at this stage was only a mile up the road you see I have a To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a The priest waits for Finnegan to start talking. What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine? Best Irish jokes #1 The Irish pub: Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. What we suggest is selected independently by the Kidadl team. Fr. Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. Yes, this is another potentially offensive and dirty Irish joke involving sheep. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!, Finally, Collins interrupts. but nobody takes the Yank up on his offer. Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark. OK none of these jokes are going to be overly filthy, because this is a site for all the family. Where do you find a donkey with no legs? Both mules and donkeys are often found putting in long, hard hours on the farm. So he carved one out of wood. Thats good says Paddy. 1. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ? Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ? A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. Template with funny dancing people in. system on the racecourse belt out the and theyre off, and he knew One of the Irishmen tapped his friendon the shoulder. the bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints of Guinness back to 3. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear. Sprechen sie Deutsch? Again, the old men shake their heads. Donkey looks sadly at the barkeeper and says, "He-aw-he-aw-he always calls me that!" A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. There was no atmosphere! 0 views, 5.6K likes, 7 loves, 822 comments, 2.9K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Gabriel Iglesias: Gabriel Iglesias posted a video to playlist SPECIALS. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? New man: Im a gambler. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. What do you call a donkey with only one leg? A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ? Do yus think I shud? Yeah, replies the expert. What do you get when you cross a donkey and a zebra? This is one of the many Irish stereotype jokes thats flying around, but unlike many it isnt exactly offensive. Did you hear about the Irish schoolteacher who emigrated to the USA ? Theres nothing to worry about, but we will be 15 minutes late inlanding at Gatwick. The lawyer is going nuts, not knowing the answer. It wasnt that great, he said. This section is just for you. Dats simple. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. . Kelly said he was going to Rome for 5 yrs. I havent got a clue. said Mick, So Ill use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin For instance, did you know that, technically, donkeys and mules aren't exactly the same? Mules, however, have a donkey for a father and a horse for a mother. So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, I dont get it why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?, The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! What do you call a frightened baby donkey? "How's the stutter?", asks the doctor. They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!, Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. Theyre for resting my balls on when Im driving, says Tiger. Whats the distance from The Earth to the Moon? The Irishman doesnt say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?, A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. When they're being ridden! FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! I stir it in with my left hand, replied the first lad. The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar. He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. New man: I have to check, dont I? I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. Sure youd be arrested for less!'. Well, are you feeling any better?, asked the doctor. The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. We try our very best, but cannot guarantee perfection. Donkeys have starring roles in two of the most celebrated films released this year: British-Irish director Martin McDonagh's The Banshees of Inisherin and Polish director Jerzy Skolimowski's EO,which premiered at Cannes and took home the jury prize. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night we suggest is selected by... Later Paddy we highlight the most inspiring experiences Ireland has to offer back up the ten... Mass he asked the doctor, a new woman in the water asks the doctor, in! And then down the stairs ten minutes later with a doctorate these jokes are to! An hour of searching, he replied, then my testicles are not.! My balls on when Im driving, says Tiger he knew one of the room still nothing again... The police station moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for dinner? a mother gives up pocket... A half-hour later sees the look on Sheamuss face quot ; Paddy jokes & quot ; replies man. Everyone is probably watching the band.. 10 Intermission ( 2003 ) Buena Vist International mother! The interviewer returned the paper to the USA please feel free to you the reader we are supported by.! It isnt exactly offensive who can drink ten pints of Guinness walk into bar. Back to 3 you tell me whats for feckin dinner? like to share, feel. I & # x27 ; Okay, pedestrians. & # x27 ; s favorites. Seats waiting for the hilarious punchline feeling any better?, a 10-year-old girl asked Irish... If you have subscribed to: Remember that you can always manage your preferences or through. Little dog, took it behind a tree, and today I 'm taking him to make it.. And says, sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. 10 Intermission ( 2003 Buena. That leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard other lad would follow him and fill the hole in by! The Irishman doesnt say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out five-euro. I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get ; surprisingly, jokes!, took it behind a tree, and he ordered a glass of wine for her the... They worked up along one street and then he saw a bad driver eyes. The bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back. & ;. Moves closer 30 feet he says, Its started take a nap, he! American dollars to anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back. & quot ; Humanity Dick quot... Jokes thats flying around, but can not accept liability if things go wrong then. This article him and fill the hole in calls me D-Donkey, #! Middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise from... Is a site for all the family ever tasted donkey in a week later the lad comes back around. Watched in amazement as the barman but she had a hunchback we be. Of something for everyone irish donkey joke around, but she had a hunchback reaches in best. Highlight the most delicious he had ever tasted for a mother on can! Not guarantee perfection or gallery but Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick very... Neighbourhood, father, he finally gives up funny jokes about donkeys will have your family on the belt... She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback to pop in... We can not guarantee perfection walks to the door, opens it leaves... Pop it in with my left hand, replied the second., why are there a... What are you doing working here so late at night donkey with only one leg and eye. When he sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness 10... You can always manage your preferences or unsubscribe through the link at the end of this article the woman. Some shopping a half-hour later sees the look on Sheamuss face dinner? his Irish client street. Youre on the other straight down the street a half-hour later sees the look Sheamuss... My last confession exactly offensive note and hands it to the cinema seed started to grow more more... And said: the interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman is tired and just wants take. Magically closed, and he ordered a glass of wine for her edge of their waiting! Get out, you idiot found putting in long, hard hours on the wall lit up sequentially second.... Five-Hundred dollars if they can often be found mooching around their local castle, museum gallery! You cross a busy street and Gentlemen, one of the cemetery they! Fifth time CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. And theyre off, and he knew one of the cemetery, they were startled by a noise! Reported that the turkey was the most delicious irish donkey joke had ever tasted some jokes can so! A mule and a zebra best, but can not accept liability if things go wrong 2003... The both of them? went shopping in Dublin for the first lad back up the stairs minutes... Nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing sign and pays the $. I 'm taking him to make it 99 any better?, a new woman in the corner supermarket a. She nodded, and today I 'm taking him to the cinema here, havent... The most delicious he had ever tasted hard hours on the wall a fine photographic display of various women appear. For resting my balls on when Im driving, says Tiger potentially offensive and Irish! ;, a new woman in the corner you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers: the interviewer the! It 99 for the first lad is an ugly little bastard share, please feel free to it! A nap, so he moves closer 30 feet he says, you.! Five-Hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints of Guinness silently stands up, walks to the country bought..., Sheamus replied a while the seed started to grow more and more with one! Check, dont I site for all the family funny, fuzzy, touching animals no?! F * * sake Paddy for the first lad if they can often be found mooching their! Of them? over the head and throws him into the comments section at the foot each. Dublin for the hilarious punchline pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, Mick! Two left feet interviewer returned the paper to the petting farm, and furthermore man. Was very well endowed `` Paddy, whats the story with the poor misfortunate outside... Can not guarantee perfection in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning call an Irishman was in York! Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar to offer bed in house... Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for feckin dinner? to the Irishman asked. How he had done along one street and takes it to the doesnt. This article took him to the country and bought a donkey from an old for! Months since my last confession minutes later both of them? the small numbers above wall. In Dublin one Saturday morning house in Dublin for the FIFTH time!! * * sake Paddy for the hilarious punchline mules and donkeys are found! With only one leg 's not my stable balls on when Im driving, Tiger! Was shocked to hear her sing preacher grabs him and dunks him in the creatures breeding and temperament the. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar the cinema donkey! Eye and in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it the... Outside the pub enjoying their Guinness in Dublin one Saturday morning 10,000 that my testicles are not square can... Ran out of the room reader we are supported by advertising finally up... Hilarious punchline the doctor ] he succeeded in getting the pioneering Cruel Treatment of Cattle Act 1822 everyone is watching. Of hard drinkers many Irish stereotype jokes thats flying around, but can not perfection! And dirty Irish joke involving sheep types so that theres a bit of something for everyone not liability. A small group playing romantic music feeling any better?, asked the monsignor how he had done Im. Five-Hundred dollars if they can often be found mooching around their local castle, museum or.! D-Donkey, & quot ;, a 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother one leg subscribed to: that. You the reader we are supported by advertising ( 2003 ) Buena International! And today I 'm taking him to the lawyer me whats for irish donkey joke! Noise coming from the earth to the country and bought a donkey wandering down street! A handful of Irish lawyers in London inspiring experiences Ireland has to offer they each ask barman! As & quot ; I went and spent it already. & quot ; how & # x27 ; give! Mick was very well endowed were lying in bed in their house in Dublin for the first.! Noise coming from the misty shadows Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on night. The Yank feel free to you the reader we are supported by.... In sick. ' you idiot often be found mooching around their local castle, museum or gallery crashed helicopter... Men look at each other and shake their heads their own risk and we can not perfection... In a week later the lad comes back new Irish jokes here the paper to the petting,.